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Written by…

HOLLIE MATTHEWS
BIG BALLS PATRON

On boxing day 2018 I lost my husband, Jay Matthews to suicide.

The only warning was a text message he sent to me minutes beforehand, telling me that he loved us all, not to be sad, that he was sorry and goodbye.
To this day I will never understand what drove him to make such a final decsion.
Jay was renowned for his amazing humour and personality and he was loved by hundreds.

His death came as a huge shock to everyone who knew him. Losing someone you love in such a tragic way is exceptionally hard to cope with.
You have so many questions, non of which will ever be answered and you are left with a permanent sense of blame. I blame Jay, for not asking for help and for leaving me alone to raise our boys, and I blame myself, for not asking if he was ok and perhaps missing the ‘signs’ that he was struggling.

Justified or not, it’s an awful feeling and one I don’t want anyone else to experience. As I face my first christmas without him I wish that things had been different.

If only he’d recieved some help, depression is treatable – death is not.

Please dont make our mistakes.
Ask for help, offer help!
Not everyone who wears a smile is ok.